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Monday, 23 November 2009

150 Things Every Man Should Know'

A new book, entitled 150 Things Every Man Should Know, offers to help men through the minefield of being a male.

The tome by Gareth May hands out pointers about certain skills, which apparently all lads would find indispensable, such as the correct etiquette in a urinal, hiding a lovebite, or spotting artificial breasts.

British tabloid The Sun handpicked some favourites from the 14.99 pound book.

Hiding a love bite
1. Some swear by white toothpaste. Smear over the bite and leave.
2. Apply arnica cream or take arnica pills. Arnica speeds up healing and reduces bruises.
3. Wear a polo neck, scarf or cravat, or all three. Tell friends you're thinking of joining a bowling club if they're suspicious.
4. If desperate, reach for some concealer.

Going commando
1. Your package becomes more visible through only one layer of protection, so prepare for some smiles or smirks.
2. Take extra care when shaking at the urinal. The damp spot has led to many a man''s misery.
3. Avoid trousers with zips.
4. When wearing shorts don't lift your legs up.
5. Check your fly at regular intervals.

Urinal etiquette
1. Control the power of your pee. Backsplash is embarrassing enough on your own shirt, let alone your boss's.
2. Don't stand far back and experiment with your aim.
3. Remember: Sinks are for washing your hands and absolutely nothing else.
4. It is totally unacceptable to operate a Blackberry or mobile at a urinal, especially during conference calls.

How to tell if she's had a boob job
1. Size: If she looks like she's smuggling watermelons, they are probably fake... or she''s smuggling watermelons.
2. Shape: Boob jobs look hard and muscular. Real breasts look soft and curve out like a ski-slope.
3. Texture: Unless you were around in the blitz you might not know what a sandbag feels like. So think bag of sugar.

How to talk your way out of a fight
1. Sometimes offering to buy them a drink can defuse the situation, but don''t give them your credit card and tell them to set up a tab.
2. Don't be intimidated or show any sign or weakness.
3. Stand your ground with confidence if they square up to you. Don't shuffle, slouch or put your hands in your pockets.
4. Don't give into temptation, grab a pool cue and yell: "Let's be having you!".
5. Speak calmly and don't crack jokes.
6. If you've used all reasoning and he still wants a fight, chances are it's fisticuffs even if Gandhi and Nelson Mandela were doing the talking.

How to get over a girl
Do: Hit the pub with some mates.
Don't: Drink yourself into a stupor.
Do: Pack her belongings into a box and return them to her as soon as possible
Don't: Have sex with the ex. OK, just once if you have to.

How to turn a girl off you if you don't like her
1. Be elusive: Tell her you're busy all the time and never return calls, texts or emails.
2. Drop hints: Tell her you're in a relationship with someone else who struggles with your platonic female friends.
3. Disgust her: Wear really old, dirty clothes and don't clean your teeth for a week.

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